just a talk ( a reflection )

it's always hard if it's your first time for everything
i try to get the point of this things and i still get confused of that
i cant imagine about future
'cause it seems so far away,
but it's not
i'm getting closer to the end of my study
i hope to finish it soon, of course
however,
as the time goes by,
i keep wondering about things
i feel uncertain,
i dont know,
i just cant explain it
a mixed feeling
of scary, worry, anxiety and so on

i try and try to give my best,
but it might be not enough
i'm not that good
and that what makes me super anxious

what should i do?
i can't stop playing instead of doing anything important to my study
i just feel like i need a break for some time
i might just be too bored
or tired
i know it's not good to say something like this
but i cant help it

something inside me say to keep fighting,
to keep myself on track,
to not give up
but on the other side,
i really need to take a rest for a while
'cause i'm stuck
with no idea,
no intention
nothing
and it's not good
i wanna find a missing part of me
in which there's my excitement, passion, spirit, joy, and so on
i need to get it back soon