Mengapa /?\

Dan akhirnya, yang ku lakukan hanya menghindar. Mencoba membuat dinding pembatas antara diriku dengan orang-orang.
Aku semakin tersudut dalam kesendirian, kehilangan cahaya harapan. Aku semakin takut berada di tengah-tengah kerumunan, takut rasa iri mengalahkan akal sehatku.
Aku semakin takut untuk melihat diriku sendiri, takut jika apa yg kulihat tak sesuai dengan apa yg ku harap.
Lalu, bisa apa aku sekarang?
Aku yg membuat benteng itu. Aku yg menjauhkan diriku. Mengapa aku merasa terluka? Mengapa aku merasa kosong? Mengapa aku merasa hampa?

Who am I?

"if you lose ur hope, you'll die"
A lot of people say that.
And now, i'm asking to myself, i'm wondering 'Do I have hope?' I don't know. I have a lot of dreams, wishes, desires. But, i might not be dare to hope it to be real.
I look to myself.
I look around.
I might be just a little baby girl. I am not strong enough to face this world.
I might be just a foolish-stubborn. I need help but i dont want to ask for it. I dont want to accept someone's help. I might be too arrogant to be a poor one. I don't know. I don't even know if you ask me 'who are you?' so, who am i? I really want to do something, but i do nothing. I have intention, but there's no action to do. What a _____! I can get off 'what if' 'why' from my mind. I almost being crazy. I think about suicide. But it won't help right? But what I can do??
I might be not as strong as I want.

words

I wish either my father or my
mother, or indeed both of them, as they were in duty
both equally bound to it, had minded what they were
about when they begot me; had they duly considered how
much depended upon what they were then doing;—
that not only the production of a rational Being was
concerned in it, but that possibly the happy formation
and temperature of his body, perhaps his genius and the
very cast of his mind;—and, for aught they knew to
the contrary, even the fortunes of his whole house might
take their turn from the humours and dispositions which were then uppermost:—Had they duly weighed and considered all
this, and proceeded accordingly,—I am
verily persuaded I should have made a quite different figure
in the world, from that, in which the reader is likely to
see me.
Laurence

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Happy New Year

Tonight is a New Year Day. A new beginning, a new page. Im glad that im still given a chance to feel this time. I hope everything's gonna be better. For me, my family, everyone around me and everybody.
In the end, i'll Happy New Year. Bonne année. Feliz Ano Nuovo. Feliz Anno Nuevo. Akimashite Omedetou.