Berbeda - Tak lagi sama

Waktu mengubah rasa.
Nyaris dua tahun tak bersua,
ia tampak begitu berbeda.
Apakah ia masih sama?
Begitu aku bertanya.
Entah apa jawabannya.
Tak ada waktu berdua,
bertukar cerita.
Atau hanya saling menyapa.
Ia ada,
nyata.
Tapi ia tak lagi sama.
Senyumnya berbeda.
Ia tetap ramah,
Ia tetap baik,
seperti biasanya.
Tapi ia berbeda.
Tak lagi sama.
Aku rindu padanya.
Senyumnya,
tawanya.
Senang melihatnya.
Tapi tetap ada yang berbeda.
Ia mengejar mimpinya.
Bagaimana kabarnya.
Indin aku bertanya,
tapi malu padanya.
Ia masih ia.
Dirinya.
Sama,
tapi berbeda.

Tanya siapa?

Ketika sesuatu terlihat indah, tetapi terasa salah.
Entah perasaan apa.
Ia ada dan berdiam,
merasa dunia dengan terpejam.
Bagai dunia dalam genggaman.
Dunia indah,
tapi terasa berbeda,
tak tentu arah.
Kaki ini melangkah,
entah ke mana.
Mata ini menatap,
entah pada siapa.
Kaki ini berjalan,
entah ke mana tujuannya,
Bibir menyiratkan senyum,
tapi air mata tak cukup diseka.
Hati ini merasa,
tapi raga tak mampu bergerak.
Terkurung dalam gelap,
terkunci dalam diam.
Tanpa kata, tanpa suara.
Dunia ini terlihat,
tapi apa yang dicari tak nampak.
Dunia terasa begitu semu,
tanpa cahaya, tanpa warna, tanpa suara.
Dalam hati berteriak,
tapi mulut tak mampu mengucap kata.
Terkunci rapat.
Terombang ambing dalam bimbang.
Ragu datang menyerang,
menghempaskan diri dalam dilema.
Apa?
Apa yang ku cari??
Hati bertanya,
sepi.
Tak ada jawabnya.
Ke mana harus bertanya? 

Wonder Doubt

helllo!!!
this is a new semester. I've been in 5 semester in the university and the last semester, i got the worst result after studying for 4 semester and it's kinda sad for me. I hope i can give my best this semester.
It's been a week since the first day i started and i still feel like i'm lost.
I went to college, i studied, i heard what my lecturer said and everything, but i feel like i'm half-awaken or half-asleep when i heard it. I had no enthusiasm, i don't know what to do. I'm looking for passion, but what is my passion? That's what i'm asking myself. i don't want to get a bad result this semester, so i hope my spirit will be back.
I remember someone said that << you can't live without enthusiasm. You have to keep yourself on fire."
And another word from Steve Jobs : "Stay hungry, stay foolish." 
I wonder about how to keep my curiosity, to stay hungry, wanna know about many things. I don't wanna lose my enthusiasm, but it's not easy to do that.
I might be need some refreshing, but holiday is over.
I just can cheer myself up and stay with people who bring out the best in me, who give me positive energy.
actually, i don't really know what to say, but at least i try to express what i feel. Hopefully, it can help me to feel better.

What do I want?

actually, i'm happy right know.
I'm really grateful for what I have.
But I got a sudden feeling of fear.
You know, i'm afraid or worry of something that seems so easily come.
I hope it won't easily go, like what others said.
Sometimes, i wonder about happiness,
i'm scared when it comes to me.
"When we get something new, we have to let another things go."
I heard that words and it stays somewhere in me.
We can always get what we want, right?
You're so lucky if you can.
And I realize that something is not 'right', like what we want to be.
Life is really full of surprises and you can't really guess it.
Life is strange sometimes. 
And life is something that we can't take for granted,
but here I am.........
Wondering about my life,
'Bout what i've done
What I'm going through
What comes next
 What life is
What is the meaning of my life?
How can I be so selfish,
How can I be so,,,,, you know, directionless, meaningless, no purpose
I'm not trying to let myself go down, but i'm asking to myself
what do I really want?
   

EDCO 2013

Good night, everybody. How was your day???
I hope you had a wonderful day like I had today.
Honestly, i can't call it wonderful because in fact not really.

Why??
If you wonder about that, let me tell you my stories today.

Today was my first time to come and became a participant in debate competition.
Can you imagine it? DEBATE!!
i never did it before and i don't know if i want to do it again.
It may be sound simple or usual for you, but for me, following this competition is not something usual.
I don't really like anything that has to do  with debate. It seems a lil' bit scary for me.
First, I don't really like to talk.
I'm not an honest man. I'm not always say what i think straightly. One of my lecture said that it's the habit of Indonesian people. They take everything for granted ant that's why Indonesian people don't get their right. They don't have brave to fight for it. As Indonesian people, for some reasons i have to say that i agree. Well, it happens to me.

Words can hurt. 
That's why I try to use the good words, try to be patient (although i want to scream my dislike sometimes), but yes i don't have enough brave to do that.

Back to debate things,
I was in group with Wuri and Menia.
We did the three debates in pre-eliminary round.
Both of Wuri and Menia did their job very well while i just astonished by the condition of the debate (btw, it was my first debate and i don't exactly know how to do the debate)
We were against the team of IKK, TP 1 and JIAI 1.
To be honest, we thought that our journey would end after the 3rd debate, BUT, surprisingly we become 1 one 8 teams that went through to the quarter  final ( seriously, that time i didn't know what i should feel, happy or sad.)
And when my team competed in the debate against the 1st rank on the list. BLAM!! That was such a dead penalty for me (especially) because i didn't know what my team mate thought.
And as we had been predicted, we lost. We didn't go through to the next round, but we were happy. ( I think i'm the happiest one because i don't want to compete again tomorrow, and my head was filled by the desire to go to IIC). I'[m so sorry guys, i didn't do as good as you both did :(
And I also wanna say my big apology to the boy from JIAI 1, I'm so sorry for what i've done and wherever you are, I hope you can forgive me.

Ok, after doing this debate, i realized that i'm so lack of critical thinking. I couldn't do my job well because i wasn't really well-prepared and then i didn't really think that debate could be so 'hot'. I took many lessons from today and i think i have to fix my lots of mistakes. I need to evaluate myself about that things. I have to realize that I need to grow up, to learn to think critically and generally (means that i have to think about something from many point of views). And thanks a lot to my team mates, my rivals, the adjudicators and my LO that had helped me.

Good luck to all semifinalist that will be competing tomorrow. :D

Question (?)

Life is the best gift that has been given by God.
Do you agree?
I do, but..................
When your life seems so bad,
what are you going to do?
When you can't hold on your tears,
when you feel lonely without friends, family, and everybody who should have been there
What are you gonna do?
When your life seems so meaningless,
when you have nothing to do,
when you don't know what to do,
what's on your mind?
 "La vie, c'est pas toujours un rose"
I read that words.
And i realize that life is not always as beautiful as we wish, but...
What if you never  're not feel happy with your life?
what if you have no joy in life?
what if there's nothing you can do?
what if you lose yourself?
What if you don't know what are you doing?
You have no idea 'bout what the meaning of life,
what are you looking for?

"Life without meaning is not a real life"
What if you just become a dead walking man?
You do your daily activities, you live but not fully alive,
You're just walking without knowing where to go,
What will you do?

You know, 
I have no idea about what i'm going through.
I don't know what i exactly feel,
but i'm lost.
Many questions start to spin around in my head 
Have you ever getting tired of you life?Have you ever felt meaningless?
Have you ever wonder about your existence?
Have you asked 'bout your life?
Why are we here?
What am I doing?

 

   

UNtitled

ketika hidup tak lagi berarti,
apa tidak lebih baik memilih mati?
ketika hati tak tahu ke mana harus menuju,
apa tidak lebih baik jika aku pergi?
ketika tak ada lagi yang ingin dilakukan,
ketika tidak ada jalan yang bisa dituju,
ke mana harus melangkah?
ketika tiada tempat untuk kembali,
tiada teman untuk berbagi,
apa yang harus dilakukan?
ketika waktu seakan berhenti,
meninggalkanmu sendiri di batas cakrawala,
membiarkanmu terombang-ambing di antara gelap dan terang,
hidup atau mati,
apa yang akan kau perbuat?
saat tak ada lagi yang bisa kau percaya,
saat tak ada lagi niat untuk berdiri,
saat hidup terasa begitu sulit,
apa yang bisa dilakukan?
mencari jalan keluar?
sembunyi?
atau berlari?
berlari itu mudah..
masalah akan hilang sementara,
tapi rasa sesal akan terus menghantui tanpa henti.
Sembunyi itu tak sulit,
tapi tetap kita tak akan bisa bersembunyi.

Life is so funny, isn't it?

what does life seem to you?
if that looks good enough, you need to be grateful.
it it's not, you may need to work and pray harder.
life is not something so that simple.
life is full of challenges, dreams to pursuit, and confusions.
you must cross the crossroad before find your way.
life is so weird.
you want something so bad, you pray a lot for that,
but in the end you got something else.
something that you need.
Life is so funny, isn't it?

Game of Life: The Fifth Flower

Game of Life: The Fifth Flower

Lo Que Soy (This is Me)

You know,

I don't want to live in fear

But I can't

Fear is always exists in myself, my mind, my heart.

My life.

Sometimes,

Everything is really freaked me out.

Every single little things.

I see something to worry about everywhere.

Even it doesn't exist at all.

I just,

I don't know.........

Unstable, maybe.

I can't tell what makes me really scared.

It just comes.

Suddenly.

Without warning.

And sometimes,

Happiness makes me scared too.

I do believe in happiness, good things will come to those who wait.

But, you know.

For me, happiness is not a simple things.

Yin and yang.

Good and bad.

Heaven and hell.

Happiness and sadness.

You know,

Everything has its own 'friend'

And I'm afraid of 'that good things'

Sometimes,

When i feel too high,

i can't control myself.

I lost myself.

My evil side take me over.

And I can't help that.

You know,

I'm not as good as everyone thinks

And maybe,

I'm not as bad as they know.

I don't know, i can't judge myself.

But one thing,

One small little thing can change me, sometimes.

Ketika rasa menjadi tanya

Ketika rasa menjadi suatau tanya.

Ketika hati tak mengerti, rasa apa yang sedang berkeecamuk di hati.

Ketika ragu menghampiri dan membuatku bertanya-tanya.

Apakah sesungguhnya yang terjadi di hati?

Apakah yang tidak aku mengerti?

Kebodohanku kah yang membiarkannya mengambil kesempatan,

Memanfaatkanku.

Aku bukannya membiarkannya begitu saja.

Aku memang meragu.

Entah apakah salah atau benar, pilihanku, keputusanku.

Ia mendorongku untuk mengambil keputusan itu.

Mungkin memamg untuk dirinya, tapi............

Keputusanku adalah milikku.

Aku takkan setuju bila aku memang tak mau.

Aku memang peragu, tapi.............

Aku belum tahu.

Tapi aku harap,

Apa yang aku putuskan membawa hal yang baik untukku, sekitarku, dan yang lainnya.

Confession

Aku pernah menyayanginya.

Untuk waktu yang cukup lama.

Aku pernah sangat menginginkannya.

Untuk menjadi pujaan hatiku,

 hari terasa sepi tanpa senyumnya.

Aku pernah sangat mengharapkannya.

Hingga tak ku pedulikan luka atau kecewa yang disebabkan olehnya.

Aku bukannya tak lagi mendamba dirinya.

Aku bukannya membencinya,

Tapi, seiring waktu yanng berjalan, seiring hari yang kulewati, seiring perih yang ku rasa,

Aku tak lagi bisa,

Aku tak lagi bisa berpura-pura tersenyum di hadapannya.

Aku tak lagi mampu menahan duka yang dikarenakan olehnya.

Aku tak lagi bisa menahan kecewa,

Saat kulihat senymnya bukan ditujukkan untuk ku.

Aku tak lagi mampu,

Menahan rasa yang berkecamuk di dalam hati,

Antara bahagia untuk cintamu atau merana karena perasaanku.

Cinta ini memang milikku.

Aku menyimpannya dalam relung hati terdalam, 

dan tak pernah ku biarkan satu orang pun tahu.

Tapi, ada kecewa yang ku rasa.

Tak bisakah kau mencoba membaca isi hatiku?

Tak tahukah kau arti dari semua 'signal' yang kuberikan padamu?

Tak bisakah kau lihat aku?

Rasa ini telah lama ada, jauh sebelum kau mengenalnya.

Jauh sebelum kau bersamanya,

Bahkan mungkin rasa ini telah ada jauh sebelum aku menyadarinya.

Mengakuinya.

JUST CHANGE YOURSELF

It's not going to happen
You want to save the world
nice idea but you'll still fail
You can never change anything
except yourself just change yourself
The world is too big and complex
everything runs on chaos theory
No one can predict the outcome
of their actions we can never
kill the planet only ourselves
We are not that important
and the universe doesn't know we're here
mother earth is as anthropomorphic
as the big guy sitting on a cloud
We must all wake up and accept
that we're nothing more than random chemical events
In humanity there is no divinity
just a lot of stupidity
and that's what calls the shots
cos the guys who run the world
all want the fools gold
which they covet so much
that they stamp on us all to get to it
but we'll have the last laugh because

None of them rule the world
we are not the world
we only move in our own tiny circles
and it's time to adjust our view

It's not going to happen
We can't change the world
only ourselves
so let's do it and make the world
a better place for all by removing the stupidity
and false values that blind our minds

If all the people in the world
starting thinking for just five minutes
each day then we will have
markedly improved our lot
and someone like Bush can never rise again

Just change yourself

By MARK LEWIS 

Taken from "What to do If Trapped in Lift With a Dentist"

Iri.

Kadang, aku merasa iri.

Iri pada mereka yang memiliki mimpi.

Pada mereka yang berani mengejar mimpi dan meraihnya. 

Terkadang, aku merasa iri. 

Iri pada mereka yang tahu pasti ke mana mereka akan pergi.

Pada mereka yanng tahu arah dan tujuannya.

Aku merasa iri.

Pada mereka yang bisa sampai

Pada apa yang mereka inginkan, impikan, harapkan.

Pada mereka yang mimpinya menjadi nyata.

Aku sungguh iri.

Bukan hanya pada mereka yang bisa meraih mimpi, tapi  juga pada mereka yang berani untuk memimpikannya

dan mewujudkannya.

Aku sangat iri.

Pada mereka yang berani.

Berani mencoba, terluka, kecewa hingga akhirnya bahagia.

Pada mereka yang tidak takut terjatuh dan terluka 'tuk meraih impiannya.

Aku iri.

Karena aku tidak punya cukup keberanian untuk mencoba.

Aku iri.

Karena aku tidak punya cukup mimpi.

Atau aku tidak memiliki keberanian untuk bermimpi.

Rasa sakit akan kecewa, membuatku lebih memiih untuk berpijak pada realita

dan tidak menaruh keyakinan akan hal yang mungkin tidak bisa kucapai.

Aku iri.

Karena aku terperangkap didalam tempurung,

Tanpa tahu ke mana arah dan tujuan yang ingin ku capai.

Aku tak punya cukup destinasi.

Aku iri.

Karena aku terlalu takut untuk pergi

meninggalkan zona nyaman yang mengekangku.

Aku iri.

Karena aku takut merangkai asa 

yang mungkin akhirnya akan memunculkan luka atau malah bahagia?

Aku iri.

Karena aku takut akan risiko.

Aku iri.

Pada orang-orang yang hidupnya benar-benar terasa 'hidup' dan bukannya hampa seperti mati.

Take a deep breath

i've got a news this night and that make me a lil' bit worried.
so, i write this message for myself to make me fell better.
i hope it works, for you, too.

Okay, there's nothing to be afraid.

I need to convince myself that it's NOT bad.

Really.

There must be a rainbow after rain.

And so does the examination.

I have to be sure that everything is gonna be okay.

Huffffft........ Take a deep breath.

I have to believe that there's nothing to worry about.

Of course, i need to worry about the exams, results, and etc...,

But what i need to do is really bien préparé.

And pray a lot.

Don't think about any negative things.

Keep it away from my mind.

Don't let 'em disturb me. Myself.

Take a deep breath.

Don't let the fear take over your mind, yourself, your confidence, and let.

Take it as your motivation, spirit or every positive side to make you well-prepared.

Don't thinkk about the bad thing.

"Fear doesn't exist except in your mind"

That what someone said.

Remember that.

There's no need to be afraid.

I have to believe,

I have to be sure that i CAN pass this test well.

I can through this exam well.

Take a deep breath.

All iz well.